Have you ever needed to cry but that was the last thing you you really wanted to do? That moment when your eyes begin to water and you have to swallow really hard. Sometimes you roll your eyes or you shut them really tight, because you don’t want to be weak. You don’t want to be vulnerable. So you take deep breaths and you choke back the tears despite the healing touch it could bring.
Yesterday I just wanted someone to hear the cries of my heart without me shedding actual tears. I wanted someone to just be there for me out of unconditional love. The love that says I love you because I love you and there is no other reason, so I want to love you and no matter what I’m going to love you. It’s crazy how you can be surrounded by loved ones and still desire to be loved. I would never discredit the love my family has for me, but it will never be enough. There is no love in this world that will ever be enough.
So there I was sitting in Bible study receiving the Word of God but not knowing how to accept the full love of God. The love that I desperately needed and wanted. It wasn’t like I wanted a particular relationship, my desire was beyond titles. I felt like if I cried, then someone may have asked me why I was crying; I knew it would’ve been one of those serious cries. (The embarrassing cries…..) If anyone had asked me that question, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to answer it. How do you explain a desire for a love that most of the world has never known and many have rejected? A love you desperately seek but secretly doubt because of the afflictions you’ve endured in your life that make this particular love impossible.
So I’m sitting there fighting back tears all the while saying, “Lord, even though I’m unsure I will trust you, I’ve tried so many things and your word has always been right. So give me strength to be closer to you….” It was then that I actually payed attention to what the pastor was saying. What you focus on truly makes a difference. The message wasn’t even about what I was focusing on before, it was about worshiping God. It was about living a life in adoration of God.
I realized that God deserved to be praised. This revelation didn’t come from a position of praise or be punished. But my heart literally ached to praise God because I was so grateful for what He had already done in my life. See sometimes it’s hard to gain faith and hope in things that we may not have, but we can’t forget to be thankful for what we do have (It often times starts there.). I realized that no, people weren’t blowing my phone up to check on me. I didn’t have a lot of people even on social media blowing me up, commenting on statuses or whatever. I didn’t have a romantic relationship or anything like that. The thing that hit home when I started to worship God, was that I had life. It hit me that there were situations that I had been in where I should not have survived, but because God loved me He saved me. Multiple life threatening situations. Integrity threatening. Character threatening. Soul threatening.
The only thing that I could say was,” Thank you for loving me.” The crazy thing is, I tried so hard to not cry from a pain that came from a desire. A desire whose fulfillment was always there. I just had to shift my focus. The Bible says to Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God and All His Righteousness. I cried harder than ever before when I realized that putting God first opens a direct door to that love I wanted so bad and thought was impossible.
It wasn’t even that I didn’t want to be weak in front of people, but I didn’t want to be weak in front of God. I didn’t want God to carry my burdens anymore because I was ashamed. So many emotions were revealed in the presence of God’s love….. In honesty,I held back my tears in the beginning because of doubt that came when I realized I didn’t deserve God’s love. I accepted the lie that God wasn’t going to love me because of who I use to be and what I still struggled with. But He embraced me anyway. I wanted to be loved even though I just failed the other day and God said, “ Ok, but I never stopped loving you.” And He really did show me that He loved me right there despite my stubbornness. He embraced me on another level……. But I had to let go……
I learned that the Lord is my shepherd and there is nothing I will ever have want for. What I learned that really touched my heart was that He loves me enough to MAKE me lie down in green pastures. Last night God made me lie down so that I can truly rest in His love. I pray that anyone who reads this finds rest in the love of Jesus Christ for themselves and their loved ones…. Accept Jesus Christ today….. Praise God today. Worship Him in your life. When your focus shifts to loving and serving the God who created you with a purpose, things begin to change…… You change…… Because God’s love is more than enough…..