Made a mistake……. (sigh)….

There’s a verse, “Choose Ye THIS day, who you will serve.”  This verse rings in my head very often, especially when I make mistakes. I made a mistake last month.  I had sex.  

To be honest I’m not sure if it was a mistake.  The Bible says to choose who you will serve, but to be real, I didn’t want to choose God knowing that I was a failure.  I felt like I’d be lying to God if I completely said yes.  I mean we are only human right? How can I say yes to God, when I don’t trust Him and when I’ve failed so many times.  I JUST dedicated my body to God, saying nope I’m not going to mess up. I told myself that I was going to make it and I really believed it, but I still failed.  I am ashamed and very embarrassed.  

I started to write this after it happened and I was so angry. I was angry with myself because it’s like, “dude you know what to do, so why don’t you just do it.”  (I call everyone dude…)  Why don’t you do what you claim you want to do when it comes to sex. I was so angry with myself that I didn’t finish writing this post.  But I realized that I just simply punked out.  I didn’t want to face anything or anyone.  I wanted to give up. How do you continue to fight a fight that you’ve never won?  

You face it with the truth. As a christian I’ve been very religious and didn’t even realize it.  Some Christians may say, “well aren’t we all religious”.  In 2 Timothy chapter 2 vs 5 it says “Having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.”  We often times try to be or look good and yet we deny the power of Jesus Christ so that we can actually be good.  As a religious person I thought that if I tried really hard, that maybe I could prove something to myself, to God, and to the world. What does this have to do with sex?  I wanted to appear to be a good girl and godly but I denied the power of the cleansing blood of Jesus.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t just about appearance, but without power that’s all you really have…  The look… There is no way that we can make it in this world without God.  There is no way that we can walk in strength to fight our flesh without the strength of Jesus Christ.  It’s easy to get caught up in the perfection of our actions and lose the real purpose.  

I went back to my ex because I didn’t want to be stupid (funny how in trying to not look stupid you end up making stupid decisions) from wasted time, I went back to him to try and prove something (To who? I don’t really know…. God. Myself…. Family… Friends… Enemies….) .  Notice how I said I didn’t want to look stupid, I was focused on trying to have a certain appearance and ignored the power of God in my life.  I’ve always tried to be an honest person, but I haven’t always been an open person.  Sometimes you need to be open with someone you trust (like your pastor or a leader in your church.  If you don’t go to church, find someone who can tell you the truth based on the Bible.) to begin the journey to freedom.  

I was the person that tried to make everyone happy because it made me feel special.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a heart to serve.  It’s part of my nature, but when you have the gift without the power you remain empty on the inside in every step.  It looks really pretty on the outside, but what is the purpose of a pretty vase but to sit on the shelf.  If you don’t fill that vase with substance it will just be there to look at.  The more you interact with something, the less dust will accumulate on it.  Why would you interact with an empty vase…..

I was empty just a month ago.  I was void. It was only a about a month ago.  I tried to face this immediately after it happened but I didn’t know how. (This is why God said to not forsake the brethren aka the church.  We need those people in our lives to hold us accountable and to give us wisdom from a perspective that we can’t always give ourselves.)   I didn’t accept the truth to face the desires to serve God. I would read scriptures like 1 Corinthians 6 about fornicators and depression would sink in.  Or should I say, condemnation.  After I had sex (this time) I started to seek God.  I started to fast and pray.  We as Christians forget the fasting part, we just like to talk to God and tell Him what we want.  But I realized that there was something deeper going on.  I needed to uproot some things.  Fasting is a way to help you focus and to break some strongholds or soul ties in this case so that you can in the least think a little more clear.

When you’ve lived a life full of rejection and pain,you tend to seek things in this world that don’t always benefit you.  I’ve been rejected and hated more times than I can count and I tried to prove to everyone including myself that I was more than a reject.  I wanted to prove that I was more than what people thought of me (Or what I thought people thought of me). I wanted to prove that I was more than what I thought of myself…..  I didn’t always want to have sex but something in me had given up.  I was tired of not being enough so I gave up with the slight hope that maybe this would work.  “This” meaning filling of that empty vase. I knew there was more to life, but I was just so tired of fighting.  I don’t know if anyone has ever felt like that, but if you have you are not alone.  It’s draining when you try to do it on your own…… At some point you have to trust someone, why not Jesus……

 How do you continue to fight a fight that you’ve never won?  They say the truth will set you free, but most people don’t know the truth.  The truth is….

1. There is nothing we can’t do with Christ(Phil 4:13). We can stop fornicating when we are in Christ.
2. We are more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus (Romans 8) – This means that we haven’t lost when it comes to joy and fulfillment. Or marriage. We can be victorious in being virtuous.  
3. Our past does not define our future.  No matter how many mistakes we have made, once we accept Christ fully, everything we have done is washed away.  And we are completely made new.  (2 Corinthians 5:17) No matter how many partners or how many times, all that is washed away.
4. We are not suppose to live a life of defeat! (Romans 8 :1) God does not condemn us when we are in Christ…

The list goes on…. Notice how each scripture points back to Christ?  We often say we are followers of Christ, but rarely do we realize how important He is in every step of our lives.  The Bible says to pray without ceasing.  The Bible says to meditate on His word day and night.  The Bible says that when we are weak He is strong.  

When we struggle and are in weak moments it’s time to seek Christ.  We don’t have to wait until we get home alone, after we’ve messed up.  We can do it right then and there.  If we know it’s a major issue then we can study the Truth of God now through His word to strengthen and fill us up for tomorrow.  We have all made mistakes.  Your mistake make not be sex, it could be alcohol, drugs, telling a lie, cheating, or something else.  Don’t allow the enemy to lie to you saying that it’s over.  

What does the word of God say?  

Are you going to choose to accept His word as truth?

Will you then serve Him?

It really boils down to a choice…… Remember saying yes to God isn’t always easy, but just as He told Moses before he went to do what God told Him to do, God said “I will be with you”.  What a joy it is to know that the Lord of lords, the one who knows all and holds all power is with us in this fight….  Be encouraged my friends….. We have a beautiful victory in front of us…… But you have to choose it….  Let’s start over in Christ together….