Yesterday someone asked me if I would take a “bid” for my man. This meaning, would I go to jail because of something my man did. (SN: I’m still single lol, this person asked me a hypothetical question.) The conversation wasn’t extended because we had to work, but I do pray that I am able to continue the conversation in the near future with this person, but it did get me to thinking.
So back in the day, I would say that I was one of those “good girls” who was into “bad guys”. I’d first like to say that my theory to the good girl/bad guy thing is that females like guys with confidence, guys who know what they want, and go after it. A bad guy does these things well, so a good girl at heart will look over the rest because she feels more secure with someone with confidence. I’ve learned that this type of security is null and void. It is a mirage that will only last so long. I’ll explain a little later.
So, let me explain why I left the life of being a good girl who likes bad guys and why taking a bid for someone is not ok.
First off being in a relationship with someone who embraces a negative lifestyle leads to a negative lifestyle. Why would I knowingly endanger myself? Why would I knowingly eat poison? But this is what we often do when we are seeking love and attention in the wrong places. We feel secure, we feel like we are wanted, etc but our lives are ultimately unstable. I think we have to start looking at the pros and cons to these types of relationships. Is having a person in your life so important that you neglect life itself? Sometimes we don’t look at it from this perspective because we are so desperate for love that we neglect loving ourselves.
How can we love ourselves if we subject ourselves to a life that we know will lead to destruction? The next thing to ask is, why don’t you love yourself?
For me, it was about dealing with childhood hurt. I had to face a lot of situations and family relationships that led to huge insecurities. I’m not blaming my family, they had their burdens as well, but it took me understanding that the negatives that I accepted from growing up led to settling in relationships that had absolutely no benefit to me. If you are dealing with hurt, if you find yourself always in the wrong type of relationships, if you find yourself settling often, etc. then take some time to really discover who you are. This is discovering all of your own gifts, talents, faults, and shortcomings; then allowing God to redirect you to your true identity in Him.
I don’t want you to beat yourself up because you’ve been settling. I use to do that, and it led to depression. I want you to realize that you don’t have to settle and that you can pick yourself up to start over the right way. I want you to realize that God can and will help you to do that if you let Him.
Now that we have a little better understanding as to why settling is not ok and why many of us settle, let’s look at what’s really wrong with taking a “bid” for our mates or why dating someone who is considered “bad” is not ok.
I have this pet peeve about not holding yourself accountable. We all have our own past. We all have a past that we are ashamed of. I know that I do. But, we all have to get to a point where we accept our own actions. If someone knows that they are going to do something that could cost them their lives for negative reasons such as drugs, robbery, murder, etc, then they know what the consequences are. They know exactly what they are doing and what will happen when they do it. What sense does it make for that person to ask their spouse/mate/whatever to take the consequences for them and accuse their spouse of not loving them if they don’t take their place? It doesn’t make sense unless that person has no love for themselves or the person they are with. Why would you be ok with that kind of love? It’s not real…. It’s more about pride than love…..
The Bible talks about being with people who are unequally yoked. This means a good person dating a bad person. This means you don’t have the same goals/pursuits in life. In high school (yes high school) I was dating a guy who knew he was going down the wrong path willingly. So we had a conversation about where we were going and he wanted to break up because he didn’t want to drag me down with him. To this day, although I can’t respect what he is doing, I respect that decision he made in high school. I was so young and “in love” it hurt me at first, but I got over it when I saw where he was going and I was happy that he didn’t try to take me with him.
Bottom line, don’t settle. God has so much more for you. If a person decides to destroy their lives, that shouldn’t have anything to do with you. You have to do what God has called you to do. Get to know who you are in Christ and things will become more clear with less heartache. It might hurt to let go, but you will heal and come out better. You have to make the decision to want better for yourself. You have to understand that even you can’t take someone with you. You have to understand that when God said don’t be unequally yoked. He was saying that there are people in this world who are going the same places that you are going and neither of you will have to drag the other along. You guys will be running the race side by side. I hope this makes sense. ❤
SN: If you are reading this and you are the person who has chosen the negative lifestyle, it’s not too late for you either!!!! Stand up and hold yourself accountable, BUT allow God to forgive you by accepting Him and forgive yourself.
The key to all of this, no matter what side of this type of relationship that you are on, is to accept Christ, His forgiveness, then walk in that new life that Christ offers.